So. Ethan and I are done. (Many of you are sighing in relief because you won't have to watch me run into the same brick wall over and over again anymore.)
(Also: he doesn't like that I blog about our personal issues. Unfortunately, my give a damn's busted.)
He's kicked me out of the house, so I'm staying with one of those amazing horse girls I wrote about yesterday while I go apartment hunting. Because, you know, he doesn't want to play with me anymore and it's his sandbox so I have to go find somewhere else to be.
The problem boils down to this. I lack the ability to not care and not be upset when he does things that are inconsiderate, selfish, and immature. These things upset me, because they are way below what I consider to be reasonable expectations in a partner.
In case you're not yet seeing how that translates into him wanting to be rid of me, it's because I'm not allowed to get upset. I'm not allowed to be "negative," "pessimistic," "passive aggressive," "dramatic," "upset," "angry," or generally express any emotion other than "fun" and "peaceful" ones. I'm a horse girl lawyer from New Jersey. Expecting me to have the pacifist tendencies of a Buddhist monk is just plain ridiculous. I did try going to a therapist to find ways of expressing myself in more productive ways, but it turns out that doesn't work if only one person is trying.
Since I do have feelings and I do get upset and I generally express these feelings when I have them, like a human being, he doesn't want me in his life anymore. He wants to find a girl who is more fun and less drama. I never thought of myself as a particularly dramatic person, but that's his assessment. Which is way easier than admitting he's treated me poorly. I'm assuming this new girlfriend of his (now taking applications!) should also not own a horse. Because horse girls make their horses top priority, which is also a no-no, now that the horse thing isn't cool to him anymore.
If you think I'm exaggerating about any of this, I'll give you the following vignette: Last night, after Ethan began running through all the ways in which I've ruined his life, how I'm ungrateful for what his parents have done for us with the house (the opposite of how I feel, by the way), how I won't compromise about anything, how I'm always mad and always upset and he shouldn't have to make me happy, and how I'll see how much happier I am without him (the one thing he may actually end up being right about), I started to cry. As girls do, when someone is breaking up with them and kicking them out of their home. His response was to tell me to stop crying, and to point out that my tears were exactly the kind of drama that makes him not want to be with me.
That's officially my worst break-up yet. I knew it was going to be bad when I got home last night and heard him saying to our friends: "she's not going to be living here much longer." I was not expecting that he was not only going to be cold-hearted and dismissive about it, but also criticize me for crying while my heart was breaking. That's a particularly special brand of cruel.
I know what you're thinking. I'm better off without him. And you're absolutely right. But my heart is still broken. Because, like a fool, I let myself fall in love with someone who just doesn't care about me.
And this is why we have horses.