Thursday, May 19, 2016

Here I Go Again on My Own

So.  Ethan and I are done.  (Many of you are sighing in relief because you won't have to watch me run into the same brick wall over and over again anymore.)

(Also:  he doesn't like that I blog about our personal issues.  Unfortunately, my give a damn's busted.) 

He's kicked me out of the house, so I'm staying with one of those amazing horse girls I wrote about yesterday while I go apartment hunting.  Because, you know, he doesn't want to play with me anymore and it's his sandbox so I have to go find somewhere else to be.

The problem boils down to this.  I lack the ability to not care and not be upset when he does things that are inconsiderate, selfish, and immature.  These things upset me, because they are way below what I consider to be reasonable expectations in a partner.  

In case you're not yet seeing how that translates into him wanting to be rid of me, it's because I'm not allowed to get upset.  I'm not allowed to be "negative," "pessimistic," "passive aggressive," "dramatic," "upset," "angry," or generally express any emotion other than "fun" and "peaceful" ones.  I'm a horse girl lawyer from New Jersey.  Expecting me to have the pacifist tendencies of a Buddhist monk is just plain ridiculous. I did try going to a therapist to find ways of expressing myself in more productive ways, but it turns out that doesn't work if only one person is trying.

Since I do have feelings and I do get upset and I generally express these feelings when I have them, like a human being, he doesn't want me in his life anymore.  He wants to find a girl who is more fun and less drama.  I never thought of myself as a particularly dramatic person, but that's his assessment. Which is way easier than admitting he's treated me poorly.  I'm assuming this new girlfriend of his (now taking applications!) should also not own a horse.  Because horse girls make their horses top priority, which is also a no-no, now that the horse thing isn't cool to him anymore.

If you think I'm exaggerating about any of this, I'll give you the following vignette:  Last night, after Ethan began running through all the ways in which I've ruined his life, how I'm ungrateful for what his parents have done for us with the house (the opposite of how I feel, by the way), how I won't compromise about anything, how I'm always mad and always upset and he shouldn't have to make me happy, and how I'll see how much happier I am without him (the one thing he may actually end up being right about), I started to cry.  As girls do, when someone is breaking up with them and kicking them out of their home.  His response was to tell me to stop crying, and to point out that my tears were exactly the kind of drama that makes him not want to be with me.  

That's officially my worst break-up yet.  I knew it was going to be bad when I got home last night and heard him saying to our friends: "she's not going to be living here much longer."  I was not expecting that he was not only going to be cold-hearted and dismissive about it, but also criticize me for crying while my heart was breaking.  That's a particularly special brand of cruel.

I know what you're thinking.  I'm better off without him.  And you're absolutely right.  But my heart is still broken.  Because, like a fool, I let myself fall in love with someone who just doesn't care about me.

And this is why we have horses.

27 comments:

  1. Those are super hurtful things for him to say to you, and I'm sorry you had to be dragged along through that. You are right that you are better off without him. Your relationship (and both of you as individuals) have drastically changed from when you first fell in love. Best of luck finding an apartment, I will keep my eye out for you! Better days are ahead, and you will get through this just fine and come out flourishing on the other side.
    xoxo Aleigh

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  2. Cry all you want. Men don't like us to cry when deep down they know that they're the reason for our tears. Underneath all of that nasty exterior, he feels guilty about all of this. It will haunt him. If not today, then eventually.

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  3. Hugs. We all know you're going to be fine (smart-lawyery-horse-girl-from-NJ is a guarantee of that...), but that doesn't make the transition easier or pleasant. I vote for feeling all the feels and crying all the cries. And hugging all the horses xo

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  4. I'm so sorry to read this and agree 100% with Gingham, feel all the feels, cry all you want & definitely hug all the horses.

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  5. Totally unfair to be mean about you crying. Hugs from Oregon!

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  6. Hugs. It sucks that things went that way, and it really sucks to kick you when you're already feeling down. You're not going to feel better right away and that's okay!
    I hope you have a lovely chat with Tucker and that he's reasonably polite on your next ride!

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  7. Relationships are hard and it hurts when they end, even if they were shitty ones. And heck. Horse girls are tough for all the reasons you listed--not just any guy can deal with the strength, passion, devotion, and toughness that you have to have to be a horse girl in the first place. I'm sorry you're heartbroken and I would be too (and holy hell, who the fuck says any of those things?) but I know you'll come through this stronger than ever.

    Thank god for horses. And horse girls.

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  8. Oh god, I'm so sorry about this. That's no way to treat someone you supposedly love. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Drink wine, cry in Tucker's mane, spend time with your horse girls. From vast personal experience, I do recommend continuing to see the therapist. Now that you don't have to worry about someone else, you can really work on you. After my last major, awful, horrible breakup, my therapist and I started reading/working through Codependent No More. Sounds stupid and goofy, but it's made a massive difference in my life. Worth a poke through it at your local bookstore to see if anything rings a bell.

    In the meantime, "do you" as they say. Big hugs from Cali!

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    1. One last thing, stay in touch with Guy McLean. It sounds like you reply developed a connection to what he does and the start of a student-teacher type relationship. You don't need Ethan to continue that!

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  9. One of the great thing about horse girls is that we can cry, and then still be strong and get on with life despite heart break and tragedy. So cry all you want, and know that eventually you'll be ok. In the mean time, now you have an excuse for even more pony time. Big hugs from this internet stranger.

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  10. Ditto all of the above sentiments. Also feel all the things you want to feel! That is one of the most frustrating things - when someone dictates how they think you should feel. Hopefully you can untangle yourself from him legally (with the house and what not) without too much pain and move on to bigger and better things that you'll get to feel whatever you want to feel about. Hugs

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  11. What an asshole. I know it still hurts even if you know it's for the best so I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Hopefully Tucker can offer some comfort and I'm glad you have your friends to help you through this.

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  12. I'm so sorry! Breakups suck even when you know you'll be better off in the long run. So cry those tears and drink some wine. Then pick yourself up like a horse girl does and find someone who will love you for who you are!! Hugs from Wisconsin!

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  13. Sending you hugs and wine!! You reacted in a normal, healthy manner. He did not. Breakups suck (I know from current experience, too). So allow yourself to hurt, drink wine, and hug the pony. Eventually you will come out on the other side.

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  14. Yes sending you hugs too. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel and hurtful. I just want you know I am thinking about you!

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  15. Ugh I'm so sorry! I've been there with a guy. He didn't understand why I was upset when Rico sustained what we thought was his career ending injury. He said that I should just stop being sad and be happy instead. Like no. I've always thought that the right person will never (within reason) make me feel like a crazy person. My ex made me feel like my feelings didn't matter and therefore I felt like a crazy person. Not okay!

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  16. Yes sending you hugs too. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel and hurtful. I just want you know I am thinking about you!

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  17. He sounds 100% identical to my last SO. Seriously. I know exactly how you feel. You are so much better off right now. You are worth way more than what he ever had to offer you.

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  18. The worst. But you will power through, and be better for it. In the meantime, snuggle your pony and bitch about him mightily. He deserves it.

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  19. Awful, and I'll reiterate that you're better off without him. I was concerned when you said he rehomed Mooch without so much as a mention that it was happening. People who plan on staying with their SO tell that SO about things. He said some really hurtful things, I can't believe he told his friends "she won't be living here much longer." That's so disrespectful. Go snuggle and hug Tucker: horses > guys.

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  20. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Breakups are the worst. Crying is pretty much a requirement.

    If someone really loves you, they want you to be happy. Even if they don't completely understand your passion and don't always agree with the financial/time aspect, they ultimately will want you to do the thing that makes you happy. You can work together to find a balance that works for your relationship.

    You shouldn't have to change who you are for someone else. They should love you for who you are. And the right person will.

    Feel free to vent to us as much as you need to. We've got your back.

    *HUGS*

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  21. This is one of my biggest fears. I know EXACTLY how that feels because that is how my family treats me. Moving out was one of the greatest things of my life. I can't tell you how much I can relate to not being able to have feelings.

    You are human. And a bad ass one at that. Don't let anyone every tell your feelings don't matter and that they are above your happiness. Your horse makes you happy so he should always be your priority and if someone doesn't understand that then tough shit.

    You focus on you and what makes you happy. You are a strong confident woman with a lot of friends and people who care about you and your happiness.

    Virtually sending you that giant bottle of wine from Costco that costs like $750 (seriously its a dream of mine to own it lol) and lots of hugs.

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  22. I'm sorry you are going through this.

    Are you familiar with the term "suicide by cop" a method in which a suicidal individual deliberately behaves in a threatening manner, with intent to provoke a lethal response from a law enforcement officer.

    I think some people lack the confidence or skills to communicate that they no longer want to be in a relationship. Instead they go to great lengths to create situations to sabotage a relationship. Then they rationalize for their bad behavior and project issues on their partner. There was no chance for you to remain "fun" and "peaceful" when your boyfriend was intent on provoking the opposite reaction. It's sad to think Mooch was a pawn in provoking the issues leading to your break up. I'm sure that even if you had broken up you would have helped your ex go through the process of making sure Mooch will be safe for the rest of his life.

    Be kind to yourself. You are not a fool to believe in someone.

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  23. You and Mooch are much better off without such a self-centered person in your life. Seriously. Now you have room for an eventual upgrade! :)

    Glad you have a place to stay, yay horse girls! :)

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    1. I just told my husband about him giving Mooch away and he said "why did he get that horse if he didn't care about horses. He's dumb." :)

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  24. What a horrible, un-self-aware individual he is. I lost my marriage nearly entirely because of my horse and walked away from a beautiful home that I had built my life and and future around. Having someone tell you that (after a long battle of insecure, controlling behaviors) you have to choose between "your horse and your friends" was the final straw for me. He knew who he was getting involved with when we met, fell in love with that person and then resented her for all of those reasons. Why do men do that?

    I really feel for you but I'm also incredibly proud of you for making the decision to leave. Starting over is never easy, but it can filled with such wonderful new possibilities and happiness that you were unintentionally depriving yourself of with a partner who wasn't right.

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  25. I'm so, so sorry :( Change is never easy, and having your heart broken always hurts like hell. Just remember that you have SO MUCH to offer and are an incredible woman. Never let anyone tell you otherwise xoxo <3

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