Checking in. Writing helps me, so you're getting a lot of personal crap on this blog for a while. You don't have to read it but you guys are commenting up a storm so when you stop doing that I'll know you're sick of it. And I'll keep talking about the Gorgeous Boy, too. Because he's gorgeous.
I'm trying to keep my focus away from regretting three wasted years of my life and the decisions I made (dating him in the first place, moving in with him, getting back together with him last fall, moving in with him again). I'm trying not to be too frustrated by the fact that he'll never see what a giant mistake he's made. I'm trying to convince myself that he actually did me a favor, and part of me believes that (everyone around me already believes it), but to be honest it's going to take me a while to get there. Still hurts, at the moment. The comments and texts and messages and kindness of everyone else I know proves to me that there are lots of other people who want me to be part of their lives and think I'm great, which helps negate the fact that there's one person who doesn't want me around. If I ignore the fact that I happen to have been in love with that one person for a long time, the math checks out.
All things considered, my weekend was actually not so bad. Last week I spent some time talking about how awesome girls are, but boys can be kind of great too. When I got to the house on Friday after apartment hunting, fully intent on packing up some things and my cat (Amy has graciously offered to provide us refuge again, blogger friends FTW), I found two of my best guy friends on the back porch with beers. Who convinced me to stay (Ethan wasn't home this weekend), and entertained me, and generally confirmed that none of this is my fault and I took great care of Ethan and I don't deserve this.
Guys have a way of putting things so succinctly. I explained that Ethan thinks I get mad at him too often, to which one of them replied, "then he should stop fucking up!" Yes. This. Thank God for friends like these. My boys are both great musicians and played music for me and kept me cheerful when I otherwise would have been wallowing. And made my last nights in the house good memories, instead of the painful ones from last week, with Ethan being cold and cruel and spiteful. And one of them has agreed to be my date for an upcoming wedding. Good guys.
I crammed in a bunch of apartment/cottage/carriage house visits in the last few days and I have it narrowed down to three possibilities, and going to see one more tomorrow. None of them have the perfect trifecta of affordable/cute/good location, but they're each doable. I made a crazy Type-A spreadsheet to help me decide, obviously, because it's me. If I can't make a decision I can put all my things in storage and stay with Amy longer, because she and her family are wonderful like that. Having options makes the future slightly less scary. I am trying to picture myself in my own place, surrounded by pretty things and snuggling with a cat and having friends over instead of being sad and alone. I hate sleeping alone now. But it's better than sleeping next to someone who doesn't care.
I filled the rest of my time with horse stuff, which of course I'll continue to do. I was invited to the AHD barn party on Saturday evening, which included a pop quiz with some AHD/dressage/horse trivia. I had the high score (always been an over-achiever) so I won a My Little Pony and a bottle of wine. Which is fantastic, because I needed a win. Amy's clients are such a good group of people. It was fun to be part of that group, and I was glad for the invite, because again, I would have been wallowing. Sunday morning I got up bright and early and shipped someone to a horse show, hung out with an old friend, cheered, saw some adorable ponies.
And Tucker is of course doing his part, and gave me three lovely rides in the last three days. He was really tight and stuck and not forward at all in my lesson last Saturday, then as you know he colicked last Sunday morning, so I suspect he wasn't feeling well last Saturday too. This week I was so distraught that my rides were basically me going through the motions and trying to turn my brain off for a while and then crying in his stall, so I don't really count them. But this weekend I was able to do some more productive work and he felt looser and more forward and more like himself.
Mostly I just enjoyed spending time with him and not feeling at all guilty for hanging out with him as long as I wanted. And knowing that he really is my number one priority and I don't actually want it any other way. I mean look at that face. How in the name of George Morris could he not be the love of my life?
I'm still not sure if there might be something not quite right with him, though. Last Saturday after we didn't like how he was going in my lesson, we flexed and jogged him on Saturday and I really didn't like how he looked on hard ground. I had the farrier out who found he was positive to the hoof testers in his heels up front, and changed his shoeing around. So I'm hoping he felt better this weekend because his feet feel better and his stomach feels better. But I want to jog him again on hard ground next time I have a buddy with me so I can decide if he needs to see a vet about some maintenance. Not that I can afford that right now because security deposit/rent/moving are taking priority. But I still want to know, obviously.
My entries for a show I was planning to do later this month would be due June 7th, but I haven't decided if I'm going. It's a question of if I'm ready to go, if I can afford to go, and if I want to go. I'm leaning toward not putting anything else on my plate this month. But I have a couple of weeks to decide. For now I'm just going to enjoy Tucker time.
And I'm convincing myself that the future is going to be great, which at the moment feels like a giant lie, but I hope it will end up being true. I had conversations with two separate women this weekend who told me that they got out of relationships and it was really hard, but both said exactly the same words: "...but now I'm really happy." I feel like I crossed their paths for a reason.