Monday, May 23, 2016

Gorgeous Boy, Good Friends, Possibilities

Checking in.  Writing helps me, so you're getting a lot of personal crap on this blog for a while.  You don't have to read it but you guys are commenting up a storm so when you stop doing that I'll know you're sick of it.  And I'll keep talking about the Gorgeous Boy, too.  Because he's gorgeous.


I'm trying to keep my focus away from regretting three wasted years of my life and the decisions I made (dating him in the first place, moving in with him, getting back together with him last fall, moving in with him again). I'm trying not to be too frustrated by the fact that he'll never see what a giant mistake he's made. I'm trying to convince myself that he actually did me a favor, and part of me believes that (everyone around me already believes it), but to be honest it's going to take me a while to get there. Still hurts, at the moment. The comments and texts and messages and kindness of everyone else I know proves to me that there are lots of other people who want me to be part of their lives and think I'm great, which helps negate the fact that there's one person who doesn't want me around.  If I ignore the fact that I happen to have been in love with that one person for a long time, the math checks out.

All things considered, my weekend was actually not so bad.  Last week I spent some time talking about how awesome girls are, but boys can be kind of great too.  When I got to the house on Friday after apartment hunting, fully intent on packing up some things and my cat (Amy has graciously offered to provide us refuge again, blogger friends FTW), I found two of my best guy friends on the back porch with beers.  Who convinced me to stay (Ethan wasn't home this weekend), and entertained me, and generally confirmed that none of this is my fault and I took great care of Ethan and I don't deserve this. 

Guys have a way of putting things so succinctly.  I explained that Ethan thinks I get mad at him too often, to which one of them replied, "then he should stop fucking up!"  Yes.  This.  Thank God for friends like these.  My boys are both great musicians and played music for me and kept me cheerful when I otherwise would have been wallowing.  And made my last nights in the house good memories, instead of the painful ones from last week, with Ethan being cold and cruel and spiteful. And one of them has agreed to be my date for an upcoming wedding.  Good guys.

I crammed in a bunch of apartment/cottage/carriage house visits in the last few days and I have it narrowed down to three possibilities, and going to see one more tomorrow.  None of them have the perfect trifecta of affordable/cute/good location, but they're each doable.  I made a crazy Type-A spreadsheet to help me decide, obviously, because it's me.  If I can't make a decision I can put all my things in storage and stay with Amy longer, because she and her family are wonderful like that. Having options makes the future slightly less scary.  I am trying to picture myself in my own place, surrounded by pretty things and snuggling with a cat and having friends over instead of being sad and alone.  I hate sleeping alone now.  But it's better than sleeping next to someone who doesn't care.


I filled the rest of my time with horse stuff, which of course I'll continue to do.  I was invited to the AHD barn party on Saturday evening, which included a pop quiz with some AHD/dressage/horse trivia.  I had the high score (always been an over-achiever) so I won a My Little Pony and a bottle of wine.  Which is fantastic, because I needed a win.  Amy's clients are such a good group of people.  It was fun to be part of that group, and I was glad for the invite, because again, I would have been wallowing.  Sunday morning I got up bright and early and shipped someone to a horse show, hung out with an old friend, cheered, saw some adorable ponies.  

And Tucker is of course doing his part, and gave me three lovely rides in the last three days.  He was really tight and stuck and not forward at all in my lesson last Saturday, then as you know he colicked last Sunday morning, so I suspect he wasn't feeling well last Saturday too.  This week I was so distraught that my rides were basically me going through the motions and trying to turn my brain off for a while and then crying in his stall, so I don't really count them.  But this weekend I was able to do some more productive work and he felt looser and more forward and more like himself.

Mostly I just enjoyed spending time with him and not feeling at all guilty for hanging out with him as long as I wanted.  And knowing that he really is my number one priority and I don't actually want it any other way.  I mean look at that face.  How in the name of George Morris could he not be the love of my life?


I'm still not sure if there might be something not quite right with him, though. Last Saturday after we didn't like how he was going in my lesson, we flexed and jogged him on Saturday and I really didn't like how he looked on hard ground.  I had the farrier out who found he was positive to the hoof testers in his heels up front, and changed his shoeing around.  So I'm hoping he felt better this weekend because his feet feel better and his stomach feels better.  But I want to jog him again on hard ground next time I have a buddy with me so I can decide if he needs to see a vet about some maintenance.  Not that I can afford that right now because security deposit/rent/moving are taking priority.  But I still want to know, obviously. 

My entries for a show I was planning to do later this month would be due June 7th, but I haven't decided if I'm going.  It's a question of if I'm ready to go, if I can afford to go, and if I want to go. I'm leaning toward not putting anything else on my plate this month.  But I have a couple of weeks to decide.  For now I'm just going to enjoy Tucker time.  

And I'm convincing myself that the future is going to be great, which at the moment feels like a giant lie, but I hope it will end up being true.  I had conversations with two separate women this weekend who told me that they got out of relationships and it was really hard, but both said exactly the same words:  "...but now I'm really happy."  I feel like I crossed their paths for a reason.

13 comments:

  1. Make it 3 women...my last breakup before meeting my hubs was nearly the end of me. But, I could not be happier if I tried and that loser is a distant memory. Feel all the emotions, fake it til you make it for a bit, ride, be selfish, drink wine, look forward. Your best days are without a doubt in front of you not behind you.

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  2. What great friends you have. And it's awesome that Amy has offered you a safe place to land. I hope you find a wonderful little place to call your own.

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  3. You know, just because things didn't work out and you're going to find something better, that doesn't mean the years were wasted, and it's ok to miss what you had. You don't have to see the whole thing as a mistake, because even if they don't deserve your love, I don't think it's ever a mistake to love someone. You still learn and grow from the relationship, and who knows where your life would have gone if you had done the last three years differently. You might have learned some lessons the hard way, but they're still lessons learned. For example, now you know that Tucker is your #1, and ultimately you need a guy who is going to understand, and even appreciate/encourage that. And hey, you're also learning how much you are loved by so many other people and how many other people are willing to make YOU a priority.

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  4. I couldn't see any future happiness either, so I'm familiar with that feeling. It goes away though. So cliche, but you'd be amazed at what time can do.

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  5. Dear Q: Keep being you. Boys aren't all bad. And right now, there is one who just got stomped on by a girl. And his friend are telling him to keep being himself, and that girls aren't all bad. Wasted time sucks ass. No way to sugar coat that one. But three years will seem like an insignificant blip in a while. And that is what you will remember - that the so-called relationship was an insignificant blip in an otherwise beautiful life.

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  6. Heartaches suck. They hurt and you can feel used, confused and angry. But but but - to know your worth is such a huge win. I am a firm believer that people show their truth and if Ethan wants to be cold, passive and mean-he can live that life without you. Your light is too bright for that bullshit. Honestly. When I had an 8 year boyfriend split (7 yrs too long) I made a list. #1 was must love Mason (my lab). It happened. Put all your awesome self out in the universe and dust your self off and consider yourself a fucking winner. You are!!!! Xo

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  7. As I mentioned before, Ethan sounds like a carbon copy of my last SO. I was lucky enough to get out after a year. Talking to a therapist a couple of times helped (not ashamed to admit this). She pointed out that by everything I told her that I was the rational one (and didn't actually need her beyond 3 sessions!) and that my SO had some very deep-seeded issues. It also helped that my SO's last test to me was some of the most condescending bullshit he had ever said. And what was hilarious was that he didn't even realize it - he genuinely 100% thought he never did anything wrong. It was so absurd that it became funny and now, three months out, I laugh about it.

    Unfortunately, time can't be taken back. You didn't waste three years. Those three years were learning and growing experiences for you - not necessarily just with Ethan. You are who you are now because of those three years, and the next three years will leave even more room for change, improvement, and happiness. You're an amazing woman with an amazing horse. Keep doing you.

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  8. I meant to comment on your last post, but I was having trouble making a cohesive response in my mind, so I am glad I waited.

    I know it feels right now like you wasted or lost time, but if my experience is anything to go by, you never truly waste or lose when it comes to life experience. It isn't fun and doesn't feel nice right now, but you learned some important things about how you need to live your life in order to be happy, and what some of your priorities are.

    You are getting closer to your truth! There are great guys out there that will love you exactly the way you are, and will accept what makes you happy and will WANT you to do what makes you happy.

    In the meantime, cry, drink wine, spend time with friends, find a space all your own that you can live comfortably in. This too shall pass. It sucks while you are in it, but this is not forever.

    Someday, you will look back on this and it will make you grateful, because it will help you appreciate it when it is right.

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    1. This! I truly believe that all of these things prepare us for the person that we're "meant" to be with. I'm sure you learned a ton when you were with Ethan so don't discount that. You're probably a stronger person for it, I know I am from my last "relationship" and I know what I want now more than ever :)

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  9. Sounds like you have great friends which is evidence that you are awesome and deserve the best. I hope you find a place that feels like home (i make spreadsheets too) and that you enjoy your guilt free Tucker time.

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  10. Sounds like you have great friends which is evidence that you are awesome and deserve the best. I hope you find a place that feels like home (i make spreadsheets too) and that you enjoy your guilt free Tucker time.

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  11. I'm glad you have great friends in this time. Stay strong you are doing great

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  12. I love your attitude - and all your awesome supportive friends!!

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