Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Civil War

I have been intentionally, as a defense mechanism, focusing on the awful things Ethan has said to me in the past couple of weeks when everything was going south.  The morning he woke up and the first words out of his mouth were "fuck off" because I tried to take some of the covers back.  How he told me I have anger management issues, I have emotional problems, I need medication, I think the world is out to get me.  Anything to make all of our problems my fault.  If I focus on being angry about all those things, I don't have to be sad.


I'm doing it intentionally because the alternative - to see that he was also good to me sometimes and he's not just a cruel person with a lot of issues - means that I have to admit how physically painful losing him is. When I allow myself to feel that, my longing for a chance to rewind all of this like it was just a bad dream and go home and curl up on the couch with him is overwhelming. It's counterproductive and I'm just depressing myself even thinking these things, but I promised to be honest on this blog, so there you go. Sometimes I really miss him.

But I only miss the good things.  I don't miss how mean he could be.  I don't miss the times when he was selfish and self-absorbed and inconsiderate.  I don't miss feeling like I'm crazy, or broken, or like I'm walking on egg shells.  I miss the comfort and familiarity of coming home to him, and the routine of our life together.  And I miss this girl more than I could possibly put into words.


I went back and read this post, which I wrote during the first break-up, after I left him and I was trying to decide whether I should fight for us to work it out again or just walk away.  Reading it is cringe-worthy, because I'm in exactly the same spot now.  I wish to God I had walked away, like most of my friends were hinting I should do.  I wish I hadn't become so comfortable in the house.  I wish I hadn't started thinking of it as home.  I wish I didn't miss being there.  I wish there were no happy memories with him for me to miss.  Things would be so much simpler.

I know that being on my own is for the best.  I know that even if he changed his mind, I can't go back because we all know six months from now I'd be looking back on this post, like I'm looking back on October now.  Which is why I'm searching so hard for an apartment and forging ahead, because I need my future to start as soon as possible.  I think that's the hardest thing about a break-up.  What you want emotionally and what you know you need rationally are so completely divergent.  And trying to function like a normal human being while that civil war is going on in your head is virtually impossible.  

14 comments:

  1. I am sure it makes it complicated to lose your home and the wonderful puppy at the same time as having to start a new life without someone you have lived with for so long. I think you are on the right track though by focusing on the negatives of your relationship and the positives of your life now.

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  2. Hang in there. That civil war will die down soon enough.

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  3. It gets better, but those first couple weeks are hard! Even when deep down you know your making the right decision because all those negative parts of the relationship completely outweigh the positives.

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  4. It absolutely gets better, it takes time, you're doing the right things. I am really sorry you are going through this. The early mornings and late evenings are the worst. Try to hit the ground running and go to bed exhausted if you can <3

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  5. Fake it 'til you make it is my life motto

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  6. I am so sorry you are going through this, but there is another side and you will be victorious.

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  7. Its difficult to read this, as it seems that you are volunteering for Ethan to dump on you as long as you insist on staying. Your blog from last week said that you had broken up, and he had been very cruel. Why are you still in his bed? Please find some self respect and get out, now. My sister in law (whom I have known for 35+ years) is one of those women who let men walk all over her, and I have watched her do it through several marriages and boyfriends. The one she is currently with says that "she makes him miserable 98% of the time." The rest of the time she's giving him great sex. She needs help, and you might too, to prevent yourself from following in her footsteps. It is NEVER okay for a man to treat you like that. You deserve better, and you need to believe that.

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    1. Oh god don't worry I'm not in his bed! That happened a few weeks ago. I haven't been there in a week.

      And I agree. No one deserves to be treated like that.

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  8. I am applauding you right now. It's hard to see you go thru this again...but you are resilient - more so than you realize! One foot in front of the other...and as you walk away, throw up that peace sign. You've got this! ������

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  9. Sorry, I just found your blog and this is sad to read and, I'm sure, harder to live. It's not easy and you need to find strength you can from those around you. It's not okay to tell you to fuck off in the morning.

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  10. I'm terribly behind in my blog reading and am just getting caught up now. This is really shitty. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Stay strong. It'll get better.

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  11. Don't feel guilty it sounds like one of those problems that was hard to put your finger on. Glad you guys have gotten it figured out!

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  12. Marissa, I am just now getting caught up, too (I'm your cousin Lou's friend, BTW, if you recall). I am in the midst of a divorce myself. I have gone through some of the same things, but especially the verbal and emotional abuse. Flinging all these comments at you, these "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT AND HERE'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU" statements, sounds a whole lot like what I've put up with from the alcoholic husband (I put up with it for a lot longer, though, and I regret that). It is very typical of substance abusers or anyone who's having a hard time living with themselves. Their solution: blame everyone BUT themselves. Run away. Lash out. Heaven forbid THEY change or deal with their issues.

    Anyway, it might not feel like it right now, or next week or even in a few months but you WILL be better off. People have been telling me that left, right and center and I'm finally starting to believe it so I hope you will, too! Doing things I know I'm good at helps me. Doing one, even just one, little thing I absolutely do NOT want to do (like take down a hundred family photos because my beloved home has to be sold) per day works for me, too. It's slow... but it's how I cope.

    I wish you the very, very best. So glad you have your Tucker Man to focus on, too! I don't have a horse, alas, but I do have my daughter, son and very dear doggie. Plus myself - taking care of ME is super, super important. Hope you are doing that, too.

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    1. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time too. It's nice to hear that you are starting to get to the other side, and starting to believe that you're better off. It sounds like you definitely are, but there are still some really difficult and emotional tasks for you to get through.

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