Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Two Wasted Years?

Today would have been my two year anniversary.  If, you know, I hadn't decided to blow up my life. Two years from this day... don't I look happy?


I was happy then.  I was on what would be referred to that day and for every day in the future as "the best first date in the history of first dates."  It is so easy to fall in love, but much, much harder to stay in love.  Falling in love is something that just happens (if you let it).  Staying in love takes work, and effort, and is it even plausible that two people will consciously decide to want the same thing over and over and over?  It would be like two people going to a restaurant and both genuinely wanting to order identical meals every time.  Sure sometimes you both want the risotto special, but every time? The odds aren't good.

I don't really know what I want.  Well, I guess that's not true.  What I really want is to go back to how things were in the beginning, before he started making all these negative assumptions about me, before he started viewing spending time with me as a chore, before he saw me a the girl that gets upset about everything, and before he started throwing around accusations that I'm depressed and I have anger management issues instead of trying to treat me in a way that doesn't make me feel sad or angry.  

When we first started dating, I felt like all the things people had been telling me about love were actually true.  When a guy wants to be with you, he makes time for you.  You don't have to wait around for him to call.  You don't have to wonder when you're seeing him again.  You know where you stand right from the start.  He makes you feel like a priority.  Last week, he cancelled plans on me, twice.  And the second time, he didn't even tell me he was cancelling until the moment said plans were actually about to happen.

So I'm not sure if it's possible to go back to that place, and what the heck am I fighting for?  Trying to convince someone that they should care more about you is exhausting, and demoralizing.  And probably not even realistic.  There is a voice in my head telling me to just walk away, because this is no longer a person who cares about me, and I deserve better, even if that means being alone.  That voice is pretty pissed about the fact that he went mountain biking rather than come to Regionals, and all the resentful things he's been saying about how much time I spend with my horse.  That voice says that Tucker and I will be just fine on our own, like we've always been, thank you very much.

But then I think of all the nice things he's said to me in the past couple of weeks, about how I'm too important to him for him to just give up, and he'll never find another girl with as many good qualities as I have, and I'm sweet, and caring, and nurturing, and smart, and he loves that I love horses.  And then I think it would be foolish of me to throw away what we've had together just because last week kind of sucked. There is a voice telling me to be a grown up, and work through it, and stay positive, and be solution-oriented.

Part of me wishes very much that we had stayed together and could be celebrating two years together today.  But honestly, I know it was right for me to leave, because things weren't going well, they were about to get worse, and we needed something big in order to prompt us both to take a hard look at how we were behaving.  But now I don't know what the right move is.  

I have this recurring dream where I'm driving and suddenly the road is gone, and my truck goes straight out over a cliff into nothingness.  That's what life feels like right now, like the path I was on fell out from underneath me, and now I don't know what's ahead.  I know that's just being dramatic, and I still have a job, and a family, and friends, and a fantastic horse, and life will go on and I'll figure out a permanent place to live.  But where and with whom is a big, scary, intimidating question mark.

14 comments:

  1. Hugs. No easy answers and no right answers. Glad you have Tucker, no matter what else is going on.

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  2. Long time lurker but have never commented....

    It's eerie how similar this sounds to what I went through a year ago with my ex. By the end of it, both of us were people I didn't recognize or like but it was just so hard to let 5 years of time spent with someone go.

    All I can say is if you have to talk someone into being around and making time for you now, it will only make you feel like you're not worthy of it and that's completely bull****

    It was the hardest thing finally ending contact completely because he was my human version of crack. I loved him so much that I had actually justified to myself that it was worth feeling crappy all the time for those rare moments he would act like be used to.

    Things will work out how they're supposed to and I do hope you find happiness after all this crap. :)

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  3. Right decision = hard decision. Almost always. You have my thoughts and hopes for an easier road soon.

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  4. Here's my perspective as a (most of the time) happily married woman of 7 years. Life changes, the amount of time he spends with you changes because, well, life happens. I'm not always in like with my husband, but i always love him, because i know that our relationship is worth fighting for. He gets to do his things, i get to do mine. We find things we like to do together and things we like to do with our whole family (3 kids in tow!).
    His proximity doesn't define his love for me. The fact that he also thinks we're worth fighting for is. Yes, we disagree... frequently! But then we go back and try to figure out the adult solution. Proximity such as living with someone, always makes things harder, but if you can stand him more often than not, you probably have something worth fighting for.
    Shoot, if he doesn't hit you or abuse you, or cheat on you, he's probably with fighting for.

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  5. good luck hon :( i'm so sorry that things are both too sucky and too good to make for an obvious, easy choice. that always seems to be the way tho...

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  6. My heart constricts. I'm going through heartbreak myself and it's so hard and painful and SO FULL of "what ifs" and "if onlys"

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  7. I don't know you, but I have to second what Anon said. You ARE worthy of being around, and of being loved, and you shouldn't have to try to convince anyone of that. It's fine to have your separate hobbies and life goals but you can still support each other wholeheartedly. A lot of potential partners are very threatened by the love we have for our horses and the inner strength that most horsewomen have cultivated, but the right person knows they hold their own place in our hearts.

    There are things worse than being alone - being miserable every day because of someone else. I've been there and it SUCKS. Many hugs, hang in there, and squeeze Tucker extra much. :)

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  8. No, not wasted, no matter what happens.

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  9. While I'm not a relationship expert (not by any stretch of the imagination), I think that sometimes the right decisions are the hardest, and I don't think it was two "wasted" years. These past two years you've been happy, sad, frustrated and in love, and these are all life learning experiences, as corny and cliche as that sounds. Keep your head up, and hug Tucker a little harder :)

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  10. I second Stephanie Hammer's comments! I separated from my husband last year and it sucked. But it was also the first time we really talked to each other. I learned that my husband thought that I didn't want to spend time with him and he learned that I often did things with my sister because it was just easier to plan. When we got back together we wrote out a list of the things that needed to change, including basic day-to-day items like "I will greet you when you come home" and "I will not text message while we're watching a movie". I promised to set aside time for just him and he promised to be more easy-going about travel plans. It's been 5 months and it's been working beautifully. There are days that we disagree but we've learned how to talk to each other to work it out. That is the work people talk about when they say relationships are hard. They're a lot like our relationship with horses but at least we can use words with me. So you have to ask yourself, is he like Tucker, who just needs to work through a communication issue? Or is he a horse that could never help you reach your full potential?

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  11. I know advice is not what you are looking for, but I will share an experience The Boy and I had -
    we broke up just over 2 years into our relationship with what sounds like similar irritants and frustrations. oddly we started going to a couple's therapist POST breakup and it was extremely illuminating - mostly in figuring out expectations and needs and also defining boundaries (as in, what needed to happen before we were allowed to date again). I didn't like him very much during that process (about 4 months) but we found tools that allowed us to move forward and ultimately get married. But what I really liked is that the process made me very (VERY) comfortable with either outcome. I was confident in knowing why we broke up, and if certain things couldn't be addressed - that it had to stay that way. but it also made me confident about getting back together and knowing we weren't in a totally vicious cycle... I don't think either of us would have been capable of putting the pieces back together without some outside help - so for that I'm grateful.

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  12. I wish you didn't have to go through this, but I do know that the best times in life usually follow the worst times in life.

    I know you will be okay. I just wish you knew that...

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  13. Late to comment here. I read your post when it came out, but I was afraid to say the wrong thing on such an important topic. :( But today's post made me think I should come back and add my $.02 cents.

    I have what I consider to be a happy marriage. Happier than average, I would guess. And I think the reason for that is communication and respect. My husband and I do not always agree, but i genuinely try to understand his side, and vice versa.

    A wise person (not me!) once said "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Often it doesn't even really matter what the issue is, but how you communicate about it.

    Also, respect and how we treat one another is not negotiable. Even if it is the heat of the moment, we don't disrespect one another, ever. Not with words, not with actions.

    Another thing is my marriage is the #1 most important thing in my life. I don't put anything in front of it. Not my horse, not my family. Bryan is my best friend and my partner. We're a team, and if things get out of whack, we work through them. It can be hard to balance the horse life, work, family, etc. Sometimes things need to be re-calibrated.

    I really hope you guys can work things out. If that isn't the way the road takes you, you will be OK. Thinking of you.

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