Thursday, October 1, 2015

Kaley Cuoco Might Be My Spirit Animal

Horse Collaborative posted an article about Kaley Cuoco (she plays Penny on the Bing Bang Theory), called "A Barn Girl's Guide to Breaking Up." I know those feels.


So, you know, at least I'm not alone.

I really appreciate all your comments, and the checking up on me, and especially all the offers for places to stay, because I need them.  This is going to sound really lame - but I just about tear up every time someone loosely throws around the word "home," like "you should bring this home," or "when will you be home?" or "call me on your way home."  Because right now even though I have a very nice place to stay, I don't know where home is, or will be, or more importantly should be.  And I kind of don't want it to be a sad little apartment where I live out my days surrounded by cats.  But on the other hand I am an invincible single woman who doesn't need a man around to be happy so maybe I'll just love myself if no one else will.


Sometimes I feel really emotionally mature, and tell myself I'm just going to guide this ship with a steady hand back to calmer waters, and everything will be just fine and I'll be so thankful I took this time to really reflect on my needs, and my flaws, and my dreams.  I picture myself wearing lots of flowing garments and reading a lot, probably on a window seat, in these scenarios. Moments later I will feel the opposite of that, which is that I'm fighting for something that doesn't exist anymore, and nothing will work out, and it's a complete waste of energy, because I'm not emotionally mature at all, and I won't be able to make it work, and no one loves me, blah blah blah more sad stuff pass the wine.


Sometimes I feel like writing this blog is really cathartic and good for me and maybe I'm getting some really good stuff out here by including this.  And then I feel like I'm being an egomaniac and wonder why anyone would ever read this inane, depressing, useless drivel.  Sometimes I feel like it's completely inappropriate for me to be blogging about personal matters on a blog that is supposed to be about horses. But then I remind myself that he doesn't read the blog anyway (and then that cruel little voice in my head reminds me that this is proof that he never cared about me anyway).  I feel really bad for the couple of internet strangers who started following me last week. You've walked in at a bad time, and I do apologize for the mess.  I promise I will at some point return to talking about the intricacies of shoulder-ins and the joys of alcoholic trail rides.


Sometimes I feel like if I just talk to the right person, and get just a slightly different perspective, this will all make sense and I'll know what to do.  And if I'm feeling particularly grumpy, I feel like no one knows anything and I can't stand anyone. Unfortunately, no one has any right answers. My grandfather called me at work to check up on me, and he admitted that after 92 years he still can't tell me what I should do. I burst into tears, because how else can you respond to that?


Tears have been showing up way too often, and I am supposed to be a tough horse chick who drives a pick-up truck and practices law and doesn't get all girlie and emotional. But yesterday I picked up a friend at the airport, and I kid you not, when I pulled up there was a couple kissing each other goodbye over and over and over. Like a scene from the most laughably predictable rom-com. And I could not look away, and before I could even process what emotions I was feeling, tears were streaming down my face. Was I jealous? Was I sad because he wouldn't have kissed me goodbye that way? Do I just miss him? Am I afraid I won't have that again? Who knows. But I could do without this face-leaking b.s.


There is also a great deal of feeling sorry for myself -- which is ridiculous, because I'm the one that left. But I can't help feeling like this was supposed to be my happily ever after, and I blew it.  All my life I have been telling myself that it only has to work out once, and yet I still can't seem to work it out at all. I should have just sucked it up. I shouldn't have put up such a fuss about things that upset me. But then I think, NO dammit - I deserve to be treated better, and this is not all my fault. And that nasty little self-doubting voice in my head is ready and willing to point out all the reasons why I'm not worth the trouble. Maybe if I cared half as much about my own appearance as I do about my horse's. And then I remind myself I'm being insecure -- which is yet another unattractive quality.  In a nutshell, the voice inside my head is super annoying right now.


Of course all of this wallowing is followed by the swift realization that there are much bigger problems in the world.  People are fleeing their home countries by plastic boat for fear of torture and persecution, and watching their loved ones drown along the way.  There are people in this country who are suffering unspeakable atrocities. Some of my own friends are dealing with personal tragedies that I cannot even fathom. And I'm whining about a break up?  I need to get over myself.


So... yeah. I'm doing that over-analyzing thing that I do a lot.  (Apparently I'm also making really obvious statements a lot.)  Because I don't know the "right" answer to any of the questions I'm asking, and I make different decisions about my life and therefore experience a ridiculous spectrum of emotions by the hour.  Which makes me feel a lot of things, all at once, and mostly that I'm crazy.


Yeah, not really.

13 comments:

  1. Your not crazy, your heart is broken....

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  2. Your grandpa sounds like a neat guy. You could have sucked it up and told yourself you were happy, but then you'd go dead inside and you wouldn't be funny anymore.

    A little apartment can be a good home for a while. Your cat would like it. Just don't make it a sad one.

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  3. Agree with ponygroom. It sucks so much, but you're not crazy. Emotions just go all over the place right now. Also, I could have written the 1st half of this post word for word, so at least know you're not alone.

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    1. (and by word for word I mean I relate to what you're saying, not that I could have articulated it like you did!)

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  4. One of the hardest things is waiting to figure out what you want. It really is true that no one is perfect, and that all relationships will at some point require giving up being right and/or respecting your differences. If you think you want to be with Ethan, I say take responsibility for your part in the argument, apologize and see what he does. If he's a jerk, at least you've got clarity.
    I'm only offering this advice in hopes that it might be what you are waiting to hear. Wishing you happiness and serenity!!

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  5. Yes, other people in the world have it worse, but you shouldn't discount your pain. It's real. It sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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  6. No one can tell you want to do, because there is no right answer. I vote for Kaley's solution of "ditch him and do your first Grand Prix", but alas, we do not all have her resources.

    Hugs to you, no matter what. Horses are the cord that brings us together, but once we're here, everything else is fair game.

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  7. Hugs to you. Going through a divorce here and I feel your pain/uncertainty/sadness/crazy. What you are going through sucks and you should never feel like you are not allowed to feel the feels. My horse has been paramount in getting through all this, I know Tucker will be there for you too. :-)

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  8. ugh those feelings of self doubt are maybe the worst ever, i'm so sorry for everything you're going through. it's not being crazy tho, you're not being over dramatic or over analytical or whatever. just processing. sending you soothing thoughts!! (and also, fwiw, the small quiet apartment with cats can actually be quite cozy!)

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  9. Hey girl. Lots of hugs. Take care of yourself, find something that soothes you (a blanket, Tucker, a cat, dog, ice cream, whatever) and allow yourself to just be. And no one is judging you and NO ONE thinks you are crazy. Not in the least bit. You're going through a hell right now. It sucks.

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  10. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to do and doing it well. Go easy on yourself. You have to wake up, each day and get through...some of those days will feel better than others, it won't be a linear 'feel better each day process', but you'll feel better next month than you did this month. Slog through these first few weeks however you can, it gets easier. Pick a time to cry it out if you have to each day, mine was 10 minutes in my morning shower sometimes literally sobbing with my head on the shower wall, then I said enough for the day. You have to throw yourself into the things you love (like your sweet horse and alcoholic trail rides) and the things you need to do (like work and friends). You acknowledge and work on the things you did that contributed to the relationship ending and you figure out a way to do better or pick better (that was my issue) next time (whether next time is with this guy again, or a new one). And if you can, you pray to a higher power who has a good plan for your life and will be faithful to put the pieces back into something better than you had before and ever imagined you could have if you just ask and be patient with the process. You're amazing, deserve amazing and will have amazing...I'm sure of that. Hugs <3

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  11. I'm just catching up but thinking about you. However it works out get lots of Tucker time and it's bound to help. The ponies can't fix everything but they do seem to help ease the pain/ burden.

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  12. There really is another side to get to. It won't hurt this much forever. I think for me that's always the scariest part of going through anything this hard. I never EVER thought I would stop crying when I had to sell Lex, and I'm still sad about it on some level, but I'm doing fine. It dulls.

    If you want anything to read, let me know. I've got a list of stuff that helped me; your mileage may of course vary.

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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I love reading them! If you have a question, I will make sure to get back to you.