Thursday, July 30, 2015

Peaceful Evening

I didn't blog for most of this week because I was in a bad mental place.  Mostly work-related stress, but some personal crap too, and I was just feeling seriously negative, and uninspired, and had worked myself into a state yesterday where I had convinced myself that everyone hates me and thinks I'm awful and I can't do anything right and there is no way of fixing anything.  I felt stressed, and depressed, and frustrated, and hopeless (common side effects of being a lawyer, by the way). Have you ever done that to yourself?

I feel better now. I had some discussions with a few key folks (best friend, boyfriend, brother) that helped me realize most of what was bothering me was actually in my head due to me misinterpreting a few key things, and really it wasn't as bad as it seemed and all hope was not, in fact, lost.  Sarcastic outer shell notwithstanding, I am a sensitive type and I can get down on myself pretty easily, and at my worst, I'm prone to some seriously negative thinking.

I didn't want to go to the barn after work yesterday. I bawled my eyes out on the way home, actually. Apologies to everyone on Route 78 who was stuck in traffic with a crazy little girl in a big truck. I wanted to go home and drink a bottle of wine in sweatpants watching Netflix (I am sure you can relate).  But I went anyway, and the tears dried up while I went through the motions of tacking up.

And then I got on and just started wandering around the freshly mowed hay fields.  The crickets were singing.  A light breeze picked up after a hot and humid day.  Deer were grazing in the fields. Swallows were dovetailing picking up all the bugs the mowing kicked up.  And a gorgeous pink sunset was emerging above the treeline.  The photos don't even do it justice.

We walked, and walked, and walked some more.  I let Tucker wander where he wanted.  I let his big swingy gait rock me back and forth.  And I breathed.  And I didn't think.  And I didn't worry.  And I didn't criticize anything.  

I could actually feel my tension lifting like water evaporating out of a sponge.  It was like toxins were being released.  I realized I have had a pounding headache for days and it was finally going away. My whole body just relaxed, and I started smiling and sighing and snapping photos.   I have always thought meditation was impossibly boring and tedious, but I think wandering around on a horse not thinking and just being present in the moment is pretty much the same thing.

Life is good.  Life is even better with a horse.


  1. I can totally relate. I've had a pretty awful week but going to the barn has been my saving grace. Looks like you had a gorgeous ride.

  2. I can totally relate! I am a pretty negative self-thinker as well. I always think people don't like me or I am not a good person.

    You seem like a really nice person to me -- someone I wish I knew in real life :) Glad you were able to dissolve your tensions and lift the negative cloud and just appreciate what sounds like a really nice night.

    Glad you blogged about it. We love you here in Blog-Land!

    1. Aw that is so sweet! Thank you - your comment totally brightened my day :)

  3. Sometimes that's just what we need. Hope you are feeling better today!

  4. Some weeks are like that. It's why we have ponies.

  5. OMG Yes. You are not alone. I have moments where I feel the same way. Negative thoughts, yep. Reading to much into things or misinterpreting, yep yep. Hysterical crying while in public or semi-public for no apparent reason, yep. Some days or periods of time are just like that. I'm glad that Tucker was able to help you unwind.

  6. Beautiful. And yes this is what horses mean to me, and the most fundamental level. Somehow through everything, they have the power to remind us to be kind to ourselves and appreciate the simple things. I'm glad you had that moment with Tucker, and good luck w everything else!

  7. Lovely reminder. I can feel myself calming down. I have a tendency (that I am sure no one has EVER noticed) to spiral down into complete chaos over both large and small stuff. "I forgot to get milk! I deserve to die!" Or "I was mean to my wife! I'm a terrible person. I deserve to die!" I shouldn't be allowed to think, unmonitored, about life. Unless I'm trying to figure out String Theory. For inexplicable reasons, I do not deserve to die if I don't understand String Theory. I need a mental post it note to pop up when I begin to whip up the perfect emotional storm: "Go figure out String Theory. Report back. NO DONUTS," Many horses will take pity on me, and try to calm me down if I'm willing to let them. Thank god for horses who want fellow herd members to calm the frick down. We are lucky! (And don't deserve to die, whoa!)

  8. I somehow missed this post! You are awesome but even the most awesome people can have craptastic weeks. A good cry can do wonders. So glad you found your peace again and hope this week was much better for you <3


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