I didn't blog for most of this week because I was in a bad mental place. Mostly work-related stress, but some personal crap too, and I was just feeling seriously negative, and uninspired, and had worked myself into a state yesterday where I had convinced myself that everyone hates me and thinks I'm awful and I can't do anything right and there is no way of fixing anything. I felt stressed, and depressed, and frustrated, and hopeless (common side effects of being a lawyer, by the way). Have you ever done that to yourself?
I feel better now. I had some discussions with a few key folks (best friend, boyfriend, brother) that helped me realize most of what was bothering me was actually in my head due to me misinterpreting a few key things, and really it wasn't as bad as it seemed and all hope was not, in fact, lost. Sarcastic outer shell notwithstanding, I am a sensitive type and I can get down on myself pretty easily, and at my worst, I'm prone to some seriously negative thinking.
I didn't want to go to the barn after work yesterday. I bawled my eyes out on the way home, actually. Apologies to everyone on Route 78 who was stuck in traffic with a crazy little girl in a big truck. I wanted to go home and drink a bottle of wine in sweatpants watching Netflix (I am sure you can relate). But I went anyway, and the tears dried up while I went through the motions of tacking up.
And then I got on and just started wandering around the freshly mowed hay fields. The crickets were singing. A light breeze picked up after a hot and humid day. Deer were grazing in the fields. Swallows were dovetailing picking up all the bugs the mowing kicked up. And a gorgeous pink sunset was emerging above the treeline. The photos don't even do it justice.
We walked, and walked, and walked some more. I let Tucker wander where he wanted. I let his big swingy gait rock me back and forth. And I breathed. And I didn't think. And I didn't worry. And I didn't criticize anything.
I could actually feel my tension lifting like water evaporating out of a sponge. It was like toxins were being released. I realized I have had a pounding headache for days and it was finally going away. My whole body just relaxed, and I started smiling and sighing and snapping photos. I have always thought meditation was impossibly boring and tedious, but I think wandering around on a horse not thinking and just being present in the moment is pretty much the same thing.
Life is good. Life is even better with a horse.