Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Time to stare at my horse

Have you ever had one of those days?  One of those horrible, wretched, unseen-forces-plotting-against-you kind of days?  All forms of technology failing on you?  Random people inadvertently impeding your progress?  Superiors starting to wonder how you possibly could have gotten this far in life while suffering from this level of incompetence?  Peers feeling relieved that they aren't you?  Things progressing from stressful, to difficult, to unbearable, to where-are-the-hidden-cameras-awful?  As a brief glimpse into how bad today was, it culminated with me being the last one in the office, setting off the alarms, having to call the managing partner -- at home, probably mid-way through his dinner -- for the alarm code, and then having to convince the local police department, who clearly have nothing better to do, that I did in fact belong there and hadn't broken in for the purpose of stealing staples and post-its.  

Once the interrogation concluded, I got in my truck, stared incredulously at the steering wheel for a few minutes, and then started driving, without thinking, in the direction of the farm.  Changed out of my heels, untucked my shirt and rolled up my sleeves, and grabbed the horse.  Took him to a good grazing spot and then just stood there.  And stared at him.  For about half an hour.  Waiting for my brain to stop spinning around in overdrive, watching him peacefully munching away, occasionally giving me a sniff, "hey, uh, you okay there?  you're kinda lookin' like a zombie... ."  The sun was setting, the crickets were humming, a couple of baby deer went romping through the field....  And, exhale. 

Suddenly I realized I was calmly patting his smooth glossy coat, my head had stopped pounding, my back had stopped aching, and I was actually smiling, in spite of having one of the worst days I've had in a long time.  And it's moments like that when I realize that he's worth every red cent I spend on him (what else would I buy?), worth giving up all my free time (like I'd rather be anywhere else anyway), and completely worth my insanely stressful career so I can afford to keep him and his sister. 

The horse shows are fun, the rides where I feel like he's trying so hard for me are awesome, the times when we've jumped something big and the sense of accomplishment that goes with that are amazing.  But what's really meaningful to me, and what I could never give up, are those solitary moments when just being around him makes me feel calm and peaceful even in the middle of total chaos.  He's had that inexplicable power over me for the past 8 years, from the time he was a gangly, wobbly, goofy little weanling.  Having these two beautiful horses in my life makes me feel like my life is headed in the right direction.  Even if, some days, I feel like I'm on some kind of disastrous detour. 

5 comments:

  1. OMG, what a horrible day you had! Thank goodness your therapist was available to see you immediately, :-) We are so fortunate to have these wonderful animals in our lives. Hope tomorrow is better for you.

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  2. My horses have restored my perspective countless times. I'm glad you got some time and healing with Tucker. Hope today's better, but at least you have a bit of heaven to retreat to if needed.

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  3. I'm sorry about your day. It sounds so much like my life (bc I AM incompetent). I know you'll pull through it-- but how lucky are you to have Tucker tell you that! We are all lucky. What would we be without horses? Just regular people?

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  4. That is an epically terrible day. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

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