Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Off Topic: Dot Com Dating Woes

So I decided that while the four-legged man in my life is, of course, all that I've ever hoped for and more, I should throw my metaphorical hat back into the metaphorical ring and see if there's another two-legged man to be found. And so began my foray into the world of online dating. Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more.

On the particular site (and by site, I mean money-making scam whereby an internet-based company makes a fortune off of our loneliness) that I'm using, they present you with five eligible bachelors per day, whom you can "archive" or "make active." When I archive these men, as I commonly do, I picture them getting whisked away through the dark musty hallways of some library in the sky to a basement with splotchy flourescent lighting, to be plunked on some metal shelving system amongst microfische and yellowing newspaper, where they will sit with their arms crossed just waiting for some kind soul to "un-archive" them. Perhaps that's due to my long years working at various libraries while I was in school.

The site has a drop-down menu from which you can select your reasons for archiving. For a while, I tried to pick one that fit (Hmm, he has a ponytail and lives with his parents. . . "Professional differences" perhaps?). But I've decided that I need to be able to personalize my drop-down menu. As follows:
  • Mentions "Lord of the Rings" in his profile.
  • Mentions his mother in his profile.
  • Uses the phrase "crazy good times" in his profile. Twice.
  • Declines to post a picture but warns his audience that he has long flowing locks and has acquired "a few extra pounds."
  • He "hates cats."
  • He's not really looking for a career woman, because he wants to have a family someday (that one still makes me fuming mad).
  • He's never had a "serious" girlfriend before, but he's sure that now he's ready for a real relationship with someone who's just looking to have a good time.
  • He is looking for someone who is honest and loyal, not someone who is going to turn into a back-stabbing liar six months down the road and become a totally different person that the girl he met and eventually ruin his life.
  • Over-use of emoticons and/or exclamation points.
  • The title of his profile is "Looking for The One;" "Could you be The One;" or "Ready to meet The One."
  • Describes himself as down to earth and easy-going (lacks originality).
  • Describes himself as an immature goofball who's not ready to grow up.
  • Describes himself as a hopeless romantic just waiting for his muse.

So that would be my drop down list, if I were running a dating site. Kind of reminds me of Halt Near X's post about Horse Classified Sites. You don't think I'm being too picky, do you? Of course not, that's what I thought. Surely, there are men out there who wouldn't fall into my thirteen non-negotiable categories of profile faux-pas?

Perhaps I should stick with geldings for a while. . . .

3 comments:

  1. If I knew of a nice guy I would totally set you up and save you the trouble. Since none are coming to mind I think you are going to have to suffer a little longer. I have never tried internet dating...and you post has made me not want to start. I think you need to go to the bar more often...you would be surprised how many people meet out drinking!

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  2. I am all for more drinking! When are we going out??? :)

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  3. Sounds like a whole set of winners. I never did internet dating, but I love other people's stories... I know, I know. Voyeuristic, but fun.

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